One time while on vacation in New York I passed out in the hotel room and my friends put a match in my butt cheeks and lit it on fire. They let that damn match burn just about all the way down before they put it out. I couldn’t feel the heat and didn’t react in my comatose state. The next morning I had two giant blistered burns on each side of my cheeks. Those jerks were lucky I didn’t break wind…I would’ve burnt that city down.

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