I’ve always been a sucker for a good fight. There’s something about watching two angry dudes beat the shit out of one another that really gets me going. When UFC 1: The Beginning, busted onto the scene in ’93, I knew the world was in for something special. Real men with balls forged of steel fought during this era. Gladiators with little to gain except bankrupting medical bills and an occasional free beer competed in this intense new forum. These crazy fucks fought bare knuckle with no time limit, three times in one night. Legends like Keith Hackney with wicked style and ruthless tactics pounded opponents testicles into dust. Champions like Royce Gracie taught the world you can kick someones ass in positions only previously used to make sex. Ultra-men like Canada’s Harold Howard, who’s machismo was only second to his gracefully dangerous flip kicks. These manly mother fuckers paved the way for the modern sport the world knows today as Mixed Martial Arts. MMA is filled with its fair share of characters today both good and bad. In this post I want to talk about some that are currently on my radar.
Chris “The Crippler” Leben
I’ve liked Chris Leben since he was the emotional basket case on season 1 of the Ultimate Fighter. Leben is the kind of dude you would probably hate if you knew him from your home town or went to school with him. He’s a punk-ass who probably picked on the weak kids, was always talking shit and started fights with kids just for making eye contact with him…But I didn’t go to school or grow up with Chris Leben so I don’t give a fuck about what he did to other kids. The Leben I know is heavy handed, iron chinned and always game to stand in front of his opponent and slug it out. Leben not only sports the most wicked eyebrows in the MMA game, but also one of the biggest hearts. His past two fights with highly regarded prospect Aaron Simpson and two weeks later with “Sexyama” were nothing short of impressive. His bout with Akiyama was one of the best fights I’ve seen in the UFC 2.0 era (*post TUF 1.) If you missed it, you lose. Leben’s a special dude and with a 3 fight win streak behind him right now I am hoping for some big things to come in his future. Hopefully a fight with Wanderlei. Chris “The Crippler” Leben is a fucking badass, do yourself a favor and get on board.
Another alum of season 1 of the Ultimate Fighter. I have to say I originally liked Forrest during the show solely because of his voice. He reminded me of Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs. “She puts the lotion in the basket!” “I’d fuck me.” “Are you about a size 14?” I would literally watch the show trying to impersonate the way he said things. “I’m just a dog. I fight. Period.” Then Forrest put on the show that took the UFC to a new level. His fight with Bonner launched him into instant celebrity status and Forrest could do no wrong. His fights were okay but he showed steady improvement all the way until winning the light heavy-weight belt. Forrest became the “LOL” guy of the UFC and his outrageous comments and lackluster attitude toward winning was trademark. I admit it was cute in the beginning and showing such heart and improvement during this rise to the belt made him one cool dude. But since losing the belt, then getting humiliated by Anderson, I think Forrest needs to mellow out on the outspoken comments and take more time working on his hay-maker. I’m still a fan but in a sport with so much talent and personality, fans are fickle and will not hesitate for a second to drop his ass for the next hairy-chested jokester. Come on, your only highlight in the last two years is kicking out washed up Tito Ortiz’s mouthpiece. Let’s try taking a new approach to this whole fight thing Forrest, and let’s let your fists do the talking.
Nate and Nick Diaz are products of Stockton California where their street cred matches their raw ability to throw down. Nick, the older of the two, made a name for himself when he fought “Ruthless” Robbie Lawler at UFC 47 and knocked him the fuck out. The brothers are products of Cesear Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, mainly submission fighters but have some serious power in their hands. Nate was introduced into the mainstream when he won the Ultimate Fighter season 5. These guys are old school. They’re raw – off the cuff – they don’t give a fuck about what you think and will always keep it real. It’s refreshing to hear them interviewed because you’re not getting anything sugar coated. If they respect you they’ll tell you, if they hate your fucking guts, you’ll definitely know about it. I’m a big fan of the Diaz boys. Nate’s currently on a two fight win streak and looking better than ever at 170lbs. Nick is the current Strikeforce Welterweight Champion who needs to be fighting in the UFC. Since posting extremely high levels of THC in his blood prior to a Pride fight, Nate has been booted from the UFC organization. Officials came to the conclusion that Nick had to be stoned during his fight in order to post such high levels of the toxin in his body. I’m not a big weed smoker or advocate, but that is awesome. It takes some huge balls to get into a cage and slug it out with another person let alone doing it baked. My trips to space have to be in a completely controlled environment void of any surprises or conflict. Keep doing the lords work boys, Pony Boy sends his love.
This may sound a bit cliche and redundent but Tito Ortiz is a douche bag. He represents the Ultimate Douche (UD) in the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC.) They should make a reality show where young fighters breakdown Tito’s career and learn what not to do when they get they’re big break. I can’t say enough bad things about this jabronie. I mean, I’ve tried to like him on numerous occasions. Pony Boy is a Socal foal and I’ve seen that chicken legged fuck many times at the gym as well as jogging in the streets. I think to myself this my hometown guy, I’ve got to cheer for him. Wrong, this hometown guy of ours is an absolute piece and I want nothing to do with anything he reps. Let me tell what I hate about him. I hate his fucking ego. He thinks his shit don’t stink…well guess what Dr. Zaius, it reeks! He thinks his clothing line is actually popular. I watched him on the Celebrity Apprentice a few years back and he’s quoted saying “I run a multi-billion dollar company.” Let me know when Jenna’s Xanax wears off and you’re back in real world Don Ortiz. He makes excuses for everything! Every time he loses a fight or gets a case of swollen vagina he makes a point of having to tell the world why. Nobody wants to hear excuses, even if they’re true. It’s pretty simple, instead of pounding holes in your drywall on those long lonely nights screaming “Why don’t they love me!” you can take these steps to help reconstruct your image: 1. Just shut the fuck up. 2. After fighting if you win be proud but be humble (and quit telling the crowd you’re doing this for them, that’s fucking insulting and no fan wants to hear it. If you were really doing it for us then buy me my $320 ticket and I also want 8 beers.) If you lose be respectful and walk away. Remember this whole concept revolves around speaking as little as possible. Who knows give it a whack and maybe you’ll even have me cheering for you one day, highly doubtful but I stopped counting out the unlikely in 2006 when I woke up in the tank wearing piss soaked jeans and a bra. Tell Computer…
Stephen “The American Psycho” Bonner
Stephen Bonner fucking rules. This guy has the most suited fight nickname ever in “The American Psycho.” He looks like a guy your older sister would bring home for dinner talking about how much he loves his job at Initech designing customized variable print and web-enabled communications or some shit. Then you secretly find out he’s picking up hookers on Saturday nights and slashing their throats. Well Stephen Bonner isn’t exactly killing hoe’s but on at least one Saturday night a year you can watch him whole-heartedly try to smash a dudes face in. At 33 years old, I doubt Bonner will ever be a contender for the belt or headline a pay-per view event. Bonner is a very good and very tough fighter, but doesn’t have that god given talent that the Anderson Silva’s, Penn’s and GSP’s of the world have to reach that next level. That’s not a knock because in reality most fighters don’t have it. Bonner is special to me because every time he gets in that octagon he’s in it 100%. He anticipates a bloody war and most of the time that’s what he gets. I will always purchase a pay-per view event with Bonner on the card because his fights are always exciting. Bonner understands that when you break this sport down it’s simply entertainment. People pay to see brawls and it’s no coincidence that every time Bonner gets in the cage that just what fans get. You may criticize Uncle Dana for taking care of the ones that help put his baby in front of the world. But the bottom line is, if Bonner’s on the screen, I’m watching.